I’m so privileged to be a Christian, cisgender, white male living in suburbia. Every morning, when I wake up and look at my morning erection, I think about all the benefits I’ve acquired from being white.
I mean, look at all the victims, sorry, I mean persons of color in the street. I look at them patronizingly on my way to work, and feel such unbelievable sorrow at their dreary lives. It hurts my heart to reflect on how the color of my skin has been a source of oppression ever since I was born.
Yesterday afternoon, I accidentally bumped into a black women in the street, who happened to be very well-endowed. I was immersed in a Huffington Post article on my iPhone X, and munching on a gluten free, vegan lox bagel. My elbow hit her square in the chest. She glared at me, waited until she had crossed the street, and yelled, “Hey conkey, check your privilege! Asshole!!!”
I was deeply embarrassed by my actions, and hopped across to catch up with her, dropping my bagel in the process. I watched a white, male, taxi driver crush that banana flour bagel under his Prius, just like all white, cisgender, Christian males crush the hopes and dreams of non-white people.
Not only had I sexually assaulted this woman unwittingly but also assaulted a woman of color. The Patriarchy has created so many unconscious biases; I need to work on myself more. Maybe I subconsciously wanted to touch her? I’m not sure anymore.
I should finish reading that Huffington Post article to understand myself better. After all, they know more about millennials, and reading an article is far easier than self-introspection. The self-loathing and guilt I felt at that moment of contact can only be described as an adrenaline rush, not unlike how hard my cock gets when I look at black, lesbian porn.
Oops! Freudian slip. Can’t believe I just said that! Since the last four years, I’ve been very mindful of not only my speech, but also my thoughts. I slipped up really badly just now. Forgive me. It’s very important to censor one’s thoughts, since they can lead to dangerous microaggressions. I’ve even stopped masturbating, because I used to only masturbate to hot, black women, and in hindsight, realized I’d been oppressing them through ‘The Patriarchy’.
Yes, I have a thing for black women. I’m sweating with guilt while saying this. Nowadays, I’m sweating more with guilt than not. Oh man, please don’t judge me. I’m not a racist, I swear. I broke up with my black girlfriend three years ago, because I realized she’s oppressed by my race by default, and it would be a power play on my part to be with her, and the world would just hate me for it. I’m not like those Hollywood moguls, dude. Those guys are twisted. I’m not like them. That’s why I broke up with her.
Actually, if I’m being honest, she broke up with me, because her mom and her friends thought she was betraying the black community by dating a white guy. It was pretty hard on me, man. I wanted to call her friends racist, but black people can’t be racist, right? They can’t be racist because we’ve taken so much from them for so long.
And that’s why I tell myself that I broke up with her. It’s easier to deal with my narrative of the noble, implicit-oppressor than the actual rejection on account of my race. Now you know why I only date white, cisgender women. I’m still the oppressor, but by a smaller margin, if you know what I mean.
Well, this black woman whose chest I (accidentally) hit wasn’t really my type of black woman, just to straighten things out. I finally caught up with her and apologized profusely, and told her it was an accident. It was difficult to placate her. She told me about how she’s had to put up with the stares of “disgusting, white men” all her life. Was I one of those white men? She told me how privileged I was to have two parents who loved me, and had given me a good education, and how wonderful it was that my father had never left.
I was amazed at the astuteness of this victim of color. How could she garner all of this about me, from just looking at me?
It was then that I realized that my parents had stayed together because of their race. WTF?!!! What a revelation! It was their white privilege that prevented them from getting a divorce, even when things got rough and my white, baby sister died of acute myeloid leukemia. It was their white privilege that kicked my ass when I wanted to drop out of school and become a full-time activist. It was crystal clear. My white race made all the difference.
I saved this woman’s contact number on my iPhone X, and promised to call her next week. Even though I’m only twenty seven years old, I’m going to call up my lawyer and ask her to help me formulate my will. I would like to leave my parents’ house to this victim of color. Because I’m a staunch supporter of the Black Lives Matter movement. And that’s what Chanelle Helm, co-founder and core organizer of Black Lives Matter, Louisville, said, in her article, “White people, here are 10 requests from a Black Lives Matter leader”.
“White people, if any of the people you intend to leave your property to are racists assholes, change the will, and will your property to a black or brown family. Preferably a family from generational poverty.”
I realized that if I have male, white children with a cisgender, white woman, they’re probably going to be racist assholes. After all, they’d be part of ‘The White, Heteronormative Patriarchy’. Maybe I should marry a victim of color, instead. Although it wouldn’t be principled to do so. However, that way, I can use my smug, overbearing whiteness to lift them from the oppressive tyranny of ‘The Patriarchy’.
On second thought, I don’t think I’ll give that woman my house. I mean, she seemed to be doing pretty well for herself. She didn’t seem that poor.
I’m going to go back to my MacBook Air now, and read about all the ways I can check my privilege. I enjoy being so sanctimonious about my way of living. Looking at how oppressed so many of my fellow Americans are makes me feel that I’m actually making a difference by talking about my white privilege.
And that’s what the white privilege movement is all about. It’s not about supporting a person’s education from an underprivileged background. It’s not about discussing how socioeconomic factors are directly related to a lack of education and increased crime. It’s not about having a meaningful discussion, because white people can’t be part of this discussion EVER, because of historical injustices. It’s not about law enforcement and black people sitting across a table and discussing grievances, because white people DON’T UNDERSTAND what it is to be black. Neither do black cops, for that matter. So, how can we have a discussion?
More than anything, the white privilege movement is about inducing smothering guilt and perpetuating a culture of victimhood. It’s important to fetishize and politicize people by their race and minority status. And that’s exactly why I support it. Because that’s the only way we’re going to make a difference, and abolish inequality in our world.